Busy, Busy, Busy....

Disappointed in myself of late. Got sidetracked, then sick and now flat out.

Have a few weeks of the Home life simplified challenges to catch up next week once the kids are off to school.

On the whole all is well, just flat out and not able to think much with the back to school rush.

Still trying to define the purpose of my bloggyness.... so much in my head to get out thats trapped. Decluttering, organisation, grieving a baby, gardening. Maybe ill do an all in one :P Why not, nice and scrambled a lot like me :)

6 months today...

Yesterday marked 6 long and painful months since I was shown a ultrasound monitor with my little girls perfect little form, but a still heart. She was so beautiful even in the ultrasound monitors, I could see her full lips, perfect little face and gorgeous little fingers. She was ideal, perfect in every way but she was gone

6 months ago today they induced my labour in an effort to deliver her naturally but in the end I elected for a c-section. I tried for over 12 hrs but she was asleep and I wanted so desperately to meet her.

Its impossible to describe how silent the operating theatre was at the time of her birth. As they got ready to lift her out everyone fell silent, I swear it felt like even the machines stopped. Everyone held their breath as she came into the world, hoping...praying she would cry. We all knew she wouldn’t but we hoped.

6 months ago I birthed my perfect angel who was already in heaven. I miss her so much every day. My heart overflows often with pain and tears that can’t be held back.

A little piece of me left with her that day, I do my best to rebuild and move forward with our lives

I really can’t help but wonder what if she hadn’t gotten her wings though…..

52 weeks to simplify your life {SYL: Week 1}

Following the 52 weeks to simplify your life from Deb over at Home life simplified.

Week 1 challenge is to create a list of what went right in 2011.

Ive found this very difficult to achieve/complete as 2011 was a kind of sucky year for us. 7 months of pain from pregnancy, loosing my little girl to complications, having 2 of my little girls diagnosed with autism, watching my mum get sicker and more riddle with pain and on and on it went.

SO... enough of the bad and onto the challenging part.

2011.. the positives!

Late in 2010 I bought a house, in 2011 I achieved a LOT in the house. We planted fruit trees, put in 2 large vegie patches and did some paving, my parents got us a shed for my bday and some baby chickens for xmas :P Also put in ceiling fans, a built in robe for my bedroom, a dishwasher (BEST thing ive done in ages!) and sooooo many other things!

Miss T started school in 2011. Shes so smart and doing so well, shes learnt to read and do math and all sorts. Shes having an absolute ball and im super proud! Miss J starts in 3 weeks so i hope it goes just as well for her :)

Despite my Amelia passing im so glad i got to carry her to term, feel her kicking and hiccuping away and then got to spend 3 full days with her after her birth getting to know her cute little nose, her little rounded chin and her perfect little fingers.

After loosing her my parents and brothers and sisters finally found the love and closeness we have all lacked for the better part of the last decade. We have been so busy going in different directions we forgot to be a family. We are all closer now and trying harder to be a family :)

Ive learnt not to take anything for granted anymore. I wont take having my healthy little girls for granted, i tell them how much i love them everyday and make sure that i do my best to make the most out of every day with them.

There has been a lot of pain and sadness in our lives in the last year, a lot of suffering, misfortune and upset. But the bonus is we have survived the worst, we are slowly starting to heal and try and make the most out of everyday we have together. Its not easy but we are doing our best.

And im greatful that we have all managed to get so far in such a short frame of time and we are all together.

Moving forward into 2012 All i hope is that we have a slightly better year with love, laughs and lots of fun.

Steps to healing

There are LOTS of little steps to be taken to heal how broken i feel.

It started with just relearning one task at a time. So making sure every night the dishes were done (or at least the dishwasher loaded- how did i live 5 years without one!?!). And making sure just one load of washing a day is washed and hung, that the kids help pack thier toys away and make the living room tidy for the next day. They dont seem like much and to most they are second nature but to me it was a massive challenge to even consider it as they were too hard. But with patience on a friends part and a lot of support ive got those little things back and can start to rebuild more and more every day.


As part of my little steps ive found a 52 week challenge by Home life simplified which seems to fit in exactly with where im at in the process now.

The theory in building block progress is sound. Taking one step and adding to it rather than just skipping to the finish and trying to make it all good at once. I tried the second way... doesnt work. Taking the hard way is very daunting and scary but its proven time and time again to be the best way to make true progress.

Im hoping it will help make me even just a little less broken

Intro to my past.

Im a single mum. It's not how I choose to define myself, just a fact of life. I live with my little girls Miss T, Miss J and Miss B. They are the light of my life and spur me to keep on going everyday. Almost 6 months ago I gave birth to my 4th daughter, Amelia Grace. Unfortunately the universe intervened and took her from me before she could come into the world. She was perfect in every way, but she wasnt here with me.

It broke my heart in every way imaginable.

For months I managed to hide my pain, ignore it and just keep on going until a couple of weeks ago when it all came tumbling down. I was broken, destroyed and couldnt keep hiding it. I finally admitted that I'm NOT ok.

It's ok to admit it, it's ok to ask for help. Unfortunatley for most, me included, it never feels that way. It feels wrong to not be ok. You feel inferior, unable to understand why everyone else can hold it together so well when your entire world is falling apart. And it feels like noone cares!

I felt alone in my pain, my suffering and like everyone else had moved on and forgotten. People die everyday, my baby wasnt any different. But she was to ME! She was perfect, a beautiful little girl, but she was gone and it wasnt fair. I was angry that everyone was ignoring her and it was eating me alive.

I swallowed my pride and my need to conceal my feelings and admitted it. IM NOT OK. Ever since ive had help, support and someone to talk to when I feel alone. Sometimes thats all people in pain need, someone to listen.

In the past week I have slowly started to rebuild everything we have lost in the last 6 months. Routines, habits, rules for my girls. Ive had to relearn the most of all. Its amazing what you forget when you fall apart. Things as simple as doing the dishes or a load of laundry get forgotten or ignored in favour of doing nothing or keeping out of the house all day so the pain cant be felt.

Here is my intro. Its why im here. I have lots of goals and aspirations to achieve now that ive acknowledged that I need help but they will come later. For now its about learning.