Im a single mum. It's not how I choose to define myself, just a fact of life. I live with my little girls Miss T, Miss J and Miss B. They are the light of my life and spur me to keep on going everyday. Almost 6 months ago I gave birth to my 4th daughter, Amelia Grace. Unfortunately the universe intervened and took her from me before she could come into the world. She was perfect in every way, but she wasnt here with me.
It broke my heart in every way imaginable.
For months I managed to hide my pain, ignore it and just keep on going until a couple of weeks ago when it all came tumbling down. I was broken, destroyed and couldnt keep hiding it. I finally admitted that I'm NOT ok.
It's ok to admit it, it's ok to ask for help. Unfortunatley for most, me included, it never feels that way. It feels wrong to not be ok. You feel inferior, unable to understand why everyone else can hold it together so well when your entire world is falling apart. And it feels like noone cares!
I felt alone in my pain, my suffering and like everyone else had moved on and forgotten. People die everyday, my baby wasnt any different. But she was to ME! She was perfect, a beautiful little girl, but she was gone and it wasnt fair. I was angry that everyone was ignoring her and it was eating me alive.
I swallowed my pride and my need to conceal my feelings and admitted it. IM NOT OK. Ever since ive had help, support and someone to talk to when I feel alone. Sometimes thats all people in pain need, someone to listen.
In the past week I have slowly started to rebuild everything we have lost in the last 6 months. Routines, habits, rules for my girls. Ive had to relearn the most of all. Its amazing what you forget when you fall apart. Things as simple as doing the dishes or a load of laundry get forgotten or ignored in favour of doing nothing or keeping out of the house all day so the pain cant be felt.
Here is my intro. Its why im here. I have lots of goals and aspirations to achieve now that ive acknowledged that I need help but they will come later. For now its about learning.
Meg, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a friend who has been through similar and I can only ever imagine the pain!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to read that you finally asked for help though - I can tell you that ignoring your pain and pushing through (for any trauma or tragedy - I have endured several and mostly just carried on) just leads to more pain. I hope your journey to healing gets less painful as you go through the year and that your girls bring you great happiness!
Deb @home life simplified
Meggan, I am always inspired by you. Your little girls are lucky to have such an emotionally intelligent, compassionate, motivated mother. I hope 2012 brings you peace and healing.Better health for your dear Mum and a smooth transition into school life for Miss J. xx Jane
ReplyDeleteThankyou both. I agree Deb, ignoring it and pushing through didnt help like i thought it would. All it did was delay the pain and make it twice as hard as everyone else had dealt but i hadnt so now im dealing with it on my own. I am making progress daily though and thats what matters!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it takes a strong person to admit they are weak and in need of help. I wish you all the best for the future and I know you will rejoice in the time you have with your beautiful daughters. We are only here on loan from Heaven, God just decided he had special plans for Amelia. Take care. Pats.
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